Talking about moving into the unknown—moving out from the comfort zone—the showstopper is usually fear. I’ve learned since I was very young that, if I face that fear, I will find that fear is unreal, and it will subside. The fear is just like a shadow… a reflection of my own negative judgment, my own condemnation to myself… my lack of faith. When I was kid, I loved swimming. I loved being in the water. Not only for the coldness of the water, but also for the sense of freedom it conveys. Under the water, I felt so free. There’s no other noise—just myself alone…. I was an introvert kid, so, naturally, I enjoyed being alone in silence under water. It gave me peaceful feeling. But one day, my younger brother accidentally almost drowned me. He was practicing, and for some reasons, he suddenly panicked. He tried to get anything he could hold on to—which, that time, happened to be me, who was swimming next to him. He pushed me down so he could get up. But I wasn’t prepared. I was in shock. And I lost control. My panic didn’t help. All the water went inside through my nose and mouth. I couldn’t breathe. More water comes in when I tried to. Everything went dark. Luckily, my brother’s swimming coach saw it and he pulled me up. But since then, I had my own fear of water. I can still swim in the pool, but I could not love nor enjoy it as I did before the incident. This fear stopped me from swimming in the sea, in which the fear multiplied since I can’t see the bottom of it. It made me feel insecure. It made me feel that I would definitely drown. But I knew that this fear stopped me from growing. So, one day, I decided to face it. I went to Padang Bai, Bali, alone. I took certification of open water dive. I could easily learn all the theories. But when the test in the sea was starting… Well, it was the toughest. When the test first began, I got that cold feeling started to cripple up. I could feel my palms started to sweat although the water was cold. My heart picked up a pace, and that cold feeling transformed into anxiety. I remembered my drowning incident so vividly. That time, I could only feel the waves and the terror. I could feel the echo of that terror. Terror of losing my breath, of inhaling lots of water, of swallowing them… the coldness and the darkness I saw as I drowned…. But I convinced myself to relax. I told myself that I had my instructor there, and she would not let me drown. I reminded myself and got my mind to focus on the reason why I was there in the first place: to face my fear. So be it. As I jumped into the water, I felt that the anxiety was still there. I could feel my breath was racing fast as my heart picked up the pace. But when I started to see all the beautiful corals, fishes, and nudibranches, I forgot my fear. The fear just went away, evaporated… washed by the sea. I used to love climbing the rose apple tree at my parent’s house in Bandung. But during one of those climbs, a branch that I stepped on broke, and I almost fell down. Like me and swimming, this accident developed fear in me—fear of height. But the lesson I learnt from my scuba diving experience encouraged me to face my fear of height, so I went on to learn sky diving. The first time I was about to jump from the plane, I felt that my heart stopped beating for a while, but it was too late to back-off. I could only move forward and jump off. For seconds after I jumped, my breathing stopped. I felt as if half of my soul decided to stay on the plane. But the next second, I began to feel that sense of freedom. I could fly. Free from the fear. I have wings! It was an awesome feeling. I got addicted to sky diving. Something I never would’ve imagined before. As I developed as a person, more fears came to me. Nowadays, I’m still left trying to face the fear of being vulnerable to other human beings. I’m a very private person, and it’s very hard for me to share my personal experiences with others—not even to my best friends or family. Even in my darkest moments, I still find it hard to share with others, no matter how close our relationship is. Adding up to that, I feel like I can only find my strength only by contemplating all on my own. The fact that today I write my personal experiences here is something that I couldn’t imagine I would do before. I never had the confidence to become vulnerable. I’ve never had any experience in writing. But I want to face my fear of being vulnerable. By writing this book, I learn to become comfortable of being vulnerable. What finally triggered me to write this book was my kind-hearted friends who had been encouraging me to share my experiences in overcoming a challenge—a challenge that goes by the name “cancer”. They encouraged me to share the hope with others who are in the midst of challenges as well—whatever challenges they have in life. While I was inspired to face my fear of being vulnerable, what eventually moved me was the people who reached out to me, asking me to share the hope I experienced. And as I shared it to them, I could see that little twinkle in their eyes. It was such a blissful moment. I feel so blessed, and my faith to God is strengthened. Another friend, who I’ve never met before but also encouraged me to start sharing, is Gwen. She lives in Philippines, and she coincidentally read my story from the hospital in China. She contacted me through Facebook Messenger. Gwen told me that my story had inspired her to never give up in her battle with cancer. All of them have inspired and encouraged me to start writing and sharing. By beating my fear of being vulnerable, I could share hope with many more people out there. Therefore, I’m willing to become vulnerable, if it could help others to win their battles. I didn’t do this in vain. I’m not better than anyone. I just wanted to share because I have received so much love and abundance of blessings—so many and so much, that I can’t possibly keep it for myself alone. I need to share it with others, so others could also see and feel all the love and blessings God has bestowed upon us. I want people to experience His miracles, to never give up in realizing the masterpiece in them. This book is not my tool to preach my beliefs, and I don’t expect people to accept all my perspectives. I simply hope that my stories could at least help to provoke the mind to seek the truth, to seek our true self that will help us to experience God. Most of us today (myself included) knows only of “false truth”, believing and following as what is dictated by society, whereas it is not always necessarily the truth. Most of the time, it only introduces us to insecurity, making us superficial. We agree with society because we’re insecure to be different, afraid to be rejected. But once we try to seek the truth—our true self—we will see the hope. We are all a work of art, working our ways to become a masterpiece. Life is a vessel to realize the masterpiece in us. Not only the opportunities; the challenges as well. Challenges in life are not tragedy, not a condemnation; they are blessings. The challenges are there to help us realize the masterpiece in us. They’re a tool to bring out the best in us, turning our ordinary selves to become extra-ordinary. We learn and grow to become the best version of us through all the challenges we face. I hope this book can turn to be a blessing for the people who read it. Result from the book sold later on will be 100% donated to those in needs after deducted by the publisher fee, if any. Lokah samastah sukhino bhavantu. May all beings be happy. May all my thoughts, words and actions contribute in some way to the happiness of all beings.
